


anything other than death

by erintoknow



Series: Aria [39]
Category: Fallen Hero Series - Malin Rydén, Fallen Hero: Rebirth (Video Game)
Genre: Depression, F/F, POV Female Character, POV Second Person, Recovery, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, oh god why is this so complicated
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-03
Updated: 2020-01-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:42:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22103500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/erintoknow/pseuds/erintoknow
Summary: Another day, another round facing the people you've hurt. A lot less grudges being held than you'd expect. It's like the Rangers all think they're heroes or something.It's going to get them all killed one day. God, this whole enterprise was a mistake.What are you even going to donow?
Relationships: Ortega/Sidestep (Fallen Hero)
Series: Aria [39]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1399939
Comments: 6
Kudos: 41





	1. are you okay?

**Author's Note:**

> [[Sprained Ankle]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmGVIvf8Q6s)

Daniel watches you from a chair on the other end of the room. Fingers knit together, chin resting on top. No sunshine today. Stormy weather.

“So.” Daniel turns the words over in his mind, like you just handed him barbed wire. All the other Rangers know now. Might as well pull off the bandage now. “You’re… Adrestia.”

You watch the door. “Y–yeah.”

“ _Why?_ ” His voice is pitched. Desperate. Looking for some sort of easy out. An explanation. Anything. It makes your heart hurt.

Your hand traces the tattoo patterns on your leg, mindful of the bandage wrapped around your thigh. “I’m s–sorry.”

“Ariadne… I looked up to you.”

“I… um. I r–really am sorry. About… about the leg.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about!” Daniel shoots to his feet, quick enough that you find yourself looking at him. Alarm bells ringing in your head. Ball your hands into fists. Daniel keeps raising his voice. “I don’t care about that! It’s everybody else, Ariadne! How could you do that to them? What were you thinking!? What happened to you?”

Oh.

Oh no.

This is even worse.

“Daniel… it’s. It’s um. A long story.” It’s exhausting to have to go through this, again and again. But you owe it, don’t you? A shaking hand pulls at your sleeve. It’s weird how some things get harder with practice. “You uh… you saw this already, r–right?”

He frowns. “I thought you said you didn’t– oh.”

“Yeah.” You let your hand drop, fall back on the bed. “I’m um. Not a real person. Sorry.”

“Bullshit.” Daniel’s response is immediate and sharp. “That’s complete bullshit Ariadne.”

Your laughter is hollow. “Julia keeps saying that too.” They’re both wrong, of course, as much as you’d like to pretend otherwise.

“I mean it, Ariadne.” He floats closer, lowers his voice to a gentler tone. “You’ve come a long way since we first met. Don’t start backsliding on us now.”

You make a face, arcing an eyebrow. “Y–you’re kidding right. Everything’s fallen apart. I’ve – I’ve put all of you in danger just by–by–by _existing_ here. I would have done better jumping off that damn bridge.”

A note of alarm shoots up. “Don’t say that.”

“It’s true!” You snarl. “Hell, I – if I had just – just f–f–fucking died when I jumped out of that damn window the first time than they n–never would have – and I’d never – and–and–and you’d all be _safe_. And – and happy, and not, not this! This fucking mess, where at any moment a–a–a secretive uh – underground crime lord is actively plotting our deaths and the–the–the goddamn _government that pays you_ could storm this place to take me back.” You hold your head in your hands. Try to curl up despite the protesting pain in your ribs. “I… I wish I was dead.”

His voice is pained, low. “Ariadne…” Can feel his hand hovering over your shoulder.

You freeze up. Fuck. You said that part out loud, didn’t you? Can feel the pressure in the corners of your eyes. “Don’t tell Julia.” You look up into Daniel’s face, desperate. “Please.”

“Do…” Daniel shifts his feet, awkward or uncomfortable, you’re not sure which. “Do you want a hug?”

Bite your lip, hard enough to hurt. Finally, you do it: make yourself nod. And Daniel bends down, wraps his arms around you. It’s not as comforting as you might have hoped. Almost painful. “I d–don’t deserve this.”

“You only agreed to help me because you felt guilty about the leg, didn’t you.”

You flinch. “Y–yeah.”

Daniel pulls back, holds your shoulders. Strained smile on his face. “Alright. You’re a bit of a bastard.”

That gets a weak laugh. “A bit?”

“But you’re still my friend. Maybe we’ll hold off on any further training though.”

You try to smile, “That’s – that’s fair. I…” You sob, slump forward against Daniel’s arm. “You… really still want to be friends with… with something like me?”

You can feel the hesitation in his voice before he speaks. “…yeah. Yeah I do. I won’t lie, Ariadne. It’s… going to take some time to process everything, but–”

You laugh, a hollow, bitter sound. “Y–y–you can be such a push-over, Danny.”

“I don’t think of it that way.” He’s not lying, damn him. “I try to see the best in everyone. That’s… just how I want to live.”

You shake your head. “Th–that’s going to… to get you killed one day.”

“Not if I have some good friends looking out for me, right?” He smiles again, an awkward looking sight. It’s too much. This stupid, hopelessly optimistic man brushing off what you did like it’s nothing. No wonder you hated him at first, he’s everything you could never be. You sag forward into his arms again, sobbing.

“Um…” Daniel pats your back, at a loss as to what to do now. “Do you want me to get Ortega?”

Wiping at your eyes, you sit back up straight. A knot pulls tight in your gut, bile churning. “Oh god.” You whisper. “She’s going to hate me.” The memory itself, stolen from Hollow Ground’s head is getting murkier all the time, but the names – the details, those are burned clear as day. “I have to tell her.”

Daniel frowns, brow creasing. “Tell her what? Ariadne, I thought you said you had already told her about–”

“Something else. I…” You swallow the lump in your throat. “I didn’t make the connection before and… and she–she–she needs to know. And she’s… she’s going to hate me forever now.” Maybe she’ll kill you this time, finally. Or – no. No, that would be worse, she’d probably feel terrible afterwards.

“Ari, I don’t think Ortega is capable of hating you, even if she tried.”

“I killed Hood.” You spit out. Freeze up.

The following silence is agonizing.

“The old Marshal?” Daniel goes quiet again, can feel his thoughts spinning like caught wheels. “Ariadne… I’m _pretty_ sure Hollow Ground–”

“Took credit for – for it. Yeah. But… It’s… it’s been so long it’s hard to–to–to remember a lot of it but… I d–didn’t know who it was then. How did I… never…?”

No, you ran away from the idea. The pieces were all there the whole time. But it never mattered who until you had already known Julia and by then, the very idea was… fuck.

“How do you _not_ know who the Marshal was?”

“Be a run-away teen high on – high on drugs.” You blink water out of your eyes, suppress a shudder. “Just – _please_ Danny. Can you get – get Julia in here? I… I really don’t w–want to have to go through this more than once.”

He’s confused and scared, and he doesn’t understand. Holding on to the hope you’re still out of it somehow. Biting his lip, then nods, holds out a hand. “Okay. Don’t uh, don’t go anywhere. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

You fall back into the bed. “D–don’t think I could get far even if I tried.”


	2. spilling my guts

When Julia steps into the room she scans the walls, visibly anxious. “Uh, hey Ari…” Her expression drops when she sees your face, steps quickly to your side. “Woah, hey, are you okay? You look terrible.”

“Y–yeah. Um. I’ve got… I’ve got something I need to tell you.” You eye Daniel standing in the doorframe, tilt your head to beckon him in. “S–sorry. It–it can’t wait.”

“Yeah…” Julia frowns, “Danny said as much. Ari, what’s going on? What happened?”

“You should… um. Sit – sit down.” You gently push her hand away. She won’t be so eager to touch you in a minute.“It’s… It’s about Hood.”

Julia’s half way to sitting down when she immediately shoots back to her feet, tense. “What? Did Hollow Ground say something? Ari, why didn’t you mention this sooner?”

“She d–d–didn’t _say_ anything, exactly!” You wave your arms, already panicking at the desperate expression on her face. “And it – it took me a bit to figure out what I… saw.”

“Saw?”

“When… Hollow Ground tried to um. Take control of me. I… saw some of her memories. Stuff she was thinking about at the time, maybe? She might have made the connection too. Which is… another reason I n–need to tell you.”

“Ari,” Julia’s laugh is strained and anxious. “What on earth are you talking about? Tell me what?”

Your mouth is dry, fighting back a panic in your chest.

Danny offers a reassuring smile from the far wall. Or, well, an attempt at one, shot through with anxious energy.

Fuck.

You can do this. Right? There’s no choice. You have to. You dig fingers into your arm as you try to force the words out. “When I… ran away the first time. Before we ever met. I… I was there and I… didn’t even know it.” You try to hold Julia’s eyes, can’t do it. Drop your face to stare at your lap. “It was me. I – um… I killed Hood.”

A hand grips your shoulder, and you flinch. “Ari, that’s not possible. I was… I _saw_ Hollow Ground fleeing the old police station.”

You frown. “You were…?” Shake your head. “Wait. Do… do you know what he was doing there?”

Julia takes a deep breath and sits back down. “Okay. Look, we’ll figure this out together. Let’s go through everything you can remember. Best we can. Okay? You didn’t kill Hood. There’s no possible way.”

“…okay.” You stare down at your lap. Take a deep breath. Hold it. Exhale. “It was… maybe a year before we met? I had… run away and was going through a bad withdrawal. And I… gave up. Couldn’t… keep going. So… I knew that at the – at the time there was a team in the city. I’d been avoiding them. Figured I could… you know, blend in. But I… ended up turning myself in to the handler. Was easier than trying to call.”

Julia frowns. “There was a… team in Los Diablos? This is 2007?”

You shrug. “My memory isn’t the best. But I had… memorized the active list when I was… planning to run. You know… to avoid. Cuckoo and handler. Don’t remember w–what for.” You frown. What happened to that other re-gene?

“Wait, sorry,” Danny cuts in, scratching his face. “What’s a cuckoo?”

“Me.” You wince. “A… a re-gene created and trained for um. For infiltration. Undercover operations…”

“Oh.” He says.

“I did some… bodyguard work. Intel gathering…”

“You’ve been abroad?”

You grimace, shake your head at Daniel, glance at Julia. “I’ve never left the country. I um… the Farm had me do a lot of political s–s–sabotage. Undermine campaigns, disrupt activist groups. That kind of thing.”

Daniel’s eyes widen at that. “You’re kidding.”

“No.”

Julia sighs. “Sounds way too plausible to me.” She rubs your arm. “You were talking about a handler?”

“Oh. Y–yeah.” You nod. It’s hard to fight the urge to curl up again. “But… they didn’t send me back. They… commandeered me for a different project instead.”

“This was where you think you saw Hood?” Julia tenses up.

“Yeah. There was… a meeting. A meeting with Hood. And… and this other woman.”

Julia’s eyes narrow. “Hollow Ground.”

“I didn’t know who either of them were. I… don’t think either of them knew she was Hollow Ground and not just… a go-between. My… _the_ handler had… I think he went to her for protection?” You frown. That whole time had been a nightmare, a rush you’d just as soon forget

“Mierda.”

You glance up at Julia.

She grimaces, waves at you to keep talking. “You finish first.”

“Something. Um. Something happened. Hollow Ground um. Drew a gun. And then the whole building started to shake. The – the next thing I remember, I had a gun in my hand and someone tried to grab me. From behind. So I… I didn’t think. I just moved. Two shots.” You shudder. “Someone had already shot the handler. I… I didn’t know what to do. So I… I ran.”

“But wait,” Danny raises his hand. “Why were they meeting at all?”

“I…” You frown. “It’s hard to remember– no” Your heart stops. “Fuck. Um.” You glance at Julia. “…did you know?”

Julia’s hand tightens around your arm. “I knew Hood was meeting with a whistleblower. Trying to get them to come forward. Testify. But not what about. I uh… kind of had to snoop around to get even that much.”

“The Farm.” You raise your free hand to massage your throat. “The handler was going to turn me over to expose what the Farm was doing.” You wince. “If… If I hadn’t…”

Julia groans, “Madra de Dios, this is a mess.” She sighs, rubbing the bridge of her nose. “Okay, look, you said you shot twice? You’re sure?”

You nod.

Julia laughs, a strained and forced smile on her face. “Well, there you go. Hood was shot three times.”

“Julia–”

“Hell, you said she has some kind of mind control touch, right? Did she touch you at all?”

“I… don’t remember.” You frown. “Julia. Please. If – if she figures it out too, she’ll use it against us. Don’t… just – stop running away from this Julia. I’m – I’m sorry.” You rub at your eyes. “I’m so, _so,_ sorry.”

“Ariadne,” Daniel speaks up, “this was before you and Ortega met, right?”

You nod.

“So… before Sidestep, right?”

“Y–yeah…?”

“Why did you decide to become a vigilante? If you’re trying to keep a low profile…” Daniel talks with his hands, “You know, avoid attention, that wasn’t a uh, a very smart way to go about it.” He winces, “No offense.”

You look away, chewing your cheek. Both of them watching is too much.

“What was it you told me once?” Daniel presses, “All heroes have a tragic backstory…?” He glances at Julia as he trails off. Doesn’t need to finish the question, you can feel it reverberating in his head, loud and clear, the day you told Daniel that no hero puts themself on the line who doesn’t want to die on some level. “You were talking about yourself, weren’t you?”

“I…” You stare down at your arms, the criss-crossed ridges running up. “I’ve… never been a _real_ hero. A – a good person.” You clench your hand into a fist. “I just s–stopped pretending otherwise for a little while.” You look up at Julia, her face an arrow through your heart. “I can’t even say I–I–I would have told you. If I had known.”

Julia takes your hand, prying open your fist. “You told me now.”


	3. marathon runner

You fall back onto the cot, eyes puffy. Drop yet another tissue into the waste basket. You take a deep breath, try to regather your wits. Fuck this is humiliating. Having Julia and Daniel both see you like this.

“I’m… tired of lying about everything.” Even though telling the truth keeps bringing you closer to being dragged back. “And yet… All of you are in danger now. I’ve… compromised you. Just by being open about it.” The next time you’re back in their care, they won’t taunt you with articles about Charge dating and moving on. It’ll be autopsies and vivisections. “If–If–If you turn me in, pretend you don’t know anything, you… might get away with it.”

“That’s not happening.” Julia squeezes your hand, little sparks of electricity tingling your skin. “And you _didn’t_ kill Hood.”

Jesus christ Julia. How many times do you need to go over it?

She shakes her head at the expression on her face. “I don’t know exactly what went down, but I know she was there, and it’s her fault. Somehow. That’s good enough for me.”

“Julia – please–”

“We’d been closing in on her for weeks. If she risked herself to show up in person to something like that, it’s because she needed someone dead.” Julia holds your hand up, not letting go. “I’m… so sorry you’ve had to carry this alone. But you’re not. Alone, that is.”

Your face contorts as you try to hold everything in. You can’t start crying again. Not twice in one day. This is too much. Why the hell does she keep doing this? This – this denialism is even worse. “I–I–I pulled the trigger Julia. I didn’t even think about who it might be. Didn’t even try to – to help.”

“You’re not that person anymore, Ariadne.” Julia blinks water out of her eyes. “I don’t think you were even that person by the time we met.” She takes a breath, wipes at her face with her free hand. “Hood died, because of Hollow Ground. The exact details… don’t change anything for me. Okay? And we’re going to see she faces justice for it.”

In the following silence, there’s a soft sniffing. You blink, frown as you turn your head to stare at Daniel. “D–danny? Why are _you_ crying…?”

Daniel’s face goes beet red as he freezes, mid-wiping his nose. “Uh. I’m just… really happy for you two.” He coughs into his hand, face getting redder by the second. “So! Um. Do we, uh, do we have a plan?”

Julia’s face flickers as she tries not to grin at Daniel. “I thought we could wait to see what Hollow Ground’s next move was but…” She glances back to you. “If she makes the same connection you did, we can’t afford that. Or we’ll have a lot more to worry about than some mobster’s goons.”

You nod. “She could make a lot of trouble. Which is why you need – need to…”

“Not an option.” Julia glares at you, squeezes your hand again. “You said you had a scientist working for you?”

You blink, taken aback. How does Julia keep track of all this? “Y–yeah.”

“You should use your…spooky ghost power–”

“You c–can call it possession.”

“Right, spooky ghost power.” Julia barrels on, “use that and get in touch with them. I want to meet them ASAP. Bet you two to one, they’re in danger too now, and we need to get everyone on the same team, or they’ll divide us against each other.”

You chew your cheek, thinking it over. “That’s… I’m not opposed. But… I don’t think she’s your biggest fan, exactly, Julia.” You avoid meeting Julia’s eyes. “I don’t… like, have proof, but… it’s a vibe I’ve gotten.”

Don’t even know how to broach the subject that Dr. Mortum isn’t exactly your biggest fan either. Is it possible she’d turn on you if Hollow Ground came knocking? She wasn’t afraid of risking her wrath before over the teleportation gun. Guess you’ll find out soon.

“Okay, she can join the club then.” Julia shrugs. “What about Danny?”

Daniel blinks, points at himself. “Me?”

“Everybody loves Herald.”

You cough, sputtering in surprise. Try to look Daniel’s direction without actually meeting his eyes. “Uh. Sure. I mean… if you–?”

“Okay.” Daniel claps his hands together, floats over to you two. “Just don’t expect me to win any science fairs. But I can try to talk with her.”

“You two uh… remember she’s technically a criminal too, right? Working with the Rangers is going to be a hard sell.”

Julia tilts her head, as if considering it. Breaks into that baffling confident grin of hers. “And if anyone can do it, it’ll be you and Danny.”

Wish you could feel even a tenth that confident.

And yet, Julia’s enthusiasm is contagious. Maybe everything isn’t completely hopeless just yet. Stop Hollow Ground before the truth gets out and you’ll be safe right? The Rangers all know now and they… don’t even intend to arrest you or report you. Not even Argent, and she rightfully hates your guts.

Is everything going to hell in a hand-basket and almost assuredly everyone you’ve ever known or cared for doomed to be murdered by either a crime lord or a government official? Most likely! But… maybe it’s not for certain just yet.

You let out the breath you’ve been holding. Look first to Julia, then to Daniel. “I’m um. Gonna need some time. To try and arrange things. Just… getting her to meet is going to be hard.”

Julia shakes your hand in yours, squeezing one last time before finally letting go. “You can do this, Ari. _We_ can.”

You give her a weak smile. “N–no pressure, huh?”

Daniel gives you a thumbs up, sunshine returning. “The docs gave you the okay to go home tonight, right?”

You blink, tilt your head. “God. I’d – I’d almost forgot. Um.”

Laughter, Julia grins at you. “Enjoying you stay at HQ that much, huh?”

Your eyes go wide as you shake your head.

Julia laughs again, snickering. “I’ve got another meeting with the rest of team this afternoon. We can go home after that.”

You furrow your eyebrows. “W–we?”

“Oh!” Julia coughs, touch of color to her face. “I mean. I assumed – It would be safer but…”

You roll your eyes, reach out to wap her on the shoulder. A soft warm glow in your chest. “It’s – It’s fine. Let’s go home.”


End file.
